hisotherwoman's Journal

My Good-bye...
The time of this journal is over, it's time to end the posts. I have my reasons for this; 1. I ended it with my boyfriend nearly two months ago and I no longer need to "hide" this relationship for him, or anyone, anymore since he knows of it. 2. It has been made clear that "the" woman is done with him (that defaults me as no longer the "other" woman).

A comment was placed by his wife in on my last post stating if I wanted to know the truth that I should call her and that I did. What we spoke of does not need to be mentioned here, that was between she and I, but I will say I give her much respect by not calling me out of name or being disrespectful to me. Her words were of heed and concern, as well as love of her children and even her love for he that still shall remain nameless. I am not one to take advise from someone, I must learn things in my own way, but I will reflect on what she had to say. I erased the comment, again, not to "hide" anything, but because I don't want her phone number to remain on the internet for anyone to get their hands on.

I am pleased there were no hard feelings between she and I. I've been the "other" woman before and the cost was my ex husband being kept from his children because she didn't want them around me. Over time that one mended its self and she and I were able to speak, but I wish not to go through that again.

There is so much I want to say, so much I wish I could go into, but now and here is not the time nor place. They will be kept in my paper journal where no one has access to it except myself. If you do know me, you most likely have my general LJ information and from here on that is where I will be updating, there is where you will have to go to get updates on the emotional state I am in and what has happened.

-Kitten a.k.a. Penny Lane a.k.a. Amy Fisher

Current Music: Mona Lisas and Madhatters - Almost Famous Soundtrack

Anyone who knows me knows in less then a month I will no longer be his "other" woman, but simply his girlfriend. Months of craziness has lead up to this and I am relieved and a little sad that his wife has to go through this, had to find out he had someone else, had to for herself try to keep the family together because they are a family, even if both parents are not so happy in it.

He called me at 2 am last night to say he was ambushed when he got home by the kids. I'm not to sure what that means, I was asleep and he told me he'd tell me today. I can only think that maybe she told the kids what's going on and when he got home they were up waiting for him to talk to him and ask questions like kids do. I hope she was intelligent enough not to bring me into it. I may have been a catalyst, but I am not the root of their problems. Now, I have to wait for the phone call to come to tell me what exactly happened last night.

-K

It finally happened, they had the talk. Kinda funny it happened four months to the day after the first time he and I hung out outside of work. So where does that leave me and us? It leaves me very happy and relieved, it leaves us full of pipe dreams of the future. Part of me thought he'd never do it, another part knew he would. Less then three weeks and he should be in his new place, six weeks after that if everything goes to plan, I should be making the move in.

This weekend was full of opportunities where he could have disappointed me, but never once did he. He followed through on plans we had for sometime, which lead some of my closet friends to meet him along with my brothers. From that he had the perfect opportunity to have the talk. I am going to bed tonight a happier woman and full of anticipation.

-K

It was fun while it lasted... but it must all come to a screeching halt as of today. The family has returned and I am to take my place again, as his other woman. The last week has went by so quick, if only the weeks to come would also pass as quickly. Things have already begun to return to how they were, no phone call to tell me good night, no plans can be made for tomorrow, everything is as it was. I'm not depressed nor am I angry, just a bit numb, a bit emotionally removed. I know things have to go the way they have to for the time and I look forward to the time a few weeks from now when it won't have to be this way... I hope. I still have my concerns. I fear that applications won't be returned and the move out date will be moved, I'm a cynic what can I say... I know I won't stop what I've started, but I will lose much faith... I refuse to think about it all now.
I can say that if I think about it I miss him. I seen him for a brief moment today, he surprised me and showed up when I still thought he was miles away. It brought a smile to my face and let me know I was in his thoughts... I also thought he'd call tonight at some point so we could chat for a moment, but that call never came. What do you do when your the other woman? It's very difficult at times, it's made even harder after you are free to be you for over a week. A month, that's not long. I month and this should all be over. And in that month there are plans, plans that I know will be kept, as long as I can block out that damn voice in my head...
I think this week changed us, I feel closer to him, I see him in his environment, seen how he lives his life and what kind of house he keeps. Simple things maybe, but I see a bit more of who he is. I hope that in that week he seen what I see of our future and it gives him the strength to do what needs to be done if he wants to be happy and if he wants a future "us". Only time can tell at this point, and I'm only bringing myself down thinking about it. It I go to sleep now, tomorrow will be here sooner and in tomorrow I know I will talk to him...

-K

At 4 am it seams the only people on the express way are myself and truckers. I'm sure there were random others that had to work far to early, but I didn't see them...
My bed felt colder, a lot more sterile. It's funny how deep I can sleep with my lover (gawd, I hate that term) along side of me and how shallow it feels at times to be in my bed. No amount of pillows, blankets, hell cats for that matter can warm me, can make me feel as safe as when I lay next to someone I love. Sleep hardly came at 4:30 am, but how quickly, how effortlessly it came at 3 am next to his body.
There has really only been a few I've watched sleep in my life, he is one. I love the way his body raises and falls with his gentle breath, I love how smooth and polished his skin looks in the warm glow of a single candle, I adore how we have so quickly have found that perfect niche for sleeping. When he holds me I can't help put notice the tension in his arms, they way he cradles me so softly, yet so stern, I feel safe. When I hold him I can't take my eyes of his shoulder blades, the curve of his spine, the definition in his upper arms. He quietly snores and denies it, something I also do.
Sleep is such an intimate act, more intimate, in my opinion, then anything else you can do with someone. All your vulnerabilities are exposed and you are at such peace. What makes it even better is his insistence to sleep without the restriction of clothing, the same way I choice to sleep. To feel the heat of another's body, to feel that skin on skin contact is something so beautiful to me that I can't place it into words. Sleeping next to him means more to me then simple acts of pleasure...
I would wake up every night at 4 am to come home if I could just lay next to him, to slumber with him for only a few moments...

-K

Amy Fisher's 2 day slumber party...
I've been a bad, bad girl... I maybe making light of it, but what I did was pretty bad. The sorrier thing is I don't feel bad enough about it to not do it again as soon as I can.
This weekend was "like playing house". It's made me obsess more in my head what it's going to be like... Move out is "supposedly" 5 weeks from tomorrow. I've been a bit worried, it seams that he's dragging his feet a bit out getting the applications back, like by somehow doing it he's leaving his kids, or maybe a fairy is going to come take care of it for him. Neither is the case and we know that. I hope spending the better part of the weekend together has reassured him how things can and hopefully will be soon. I know it has made me more reassured in he and I and what it could be like to be together without the other "situation" in his life. The thing is, it was a very simple weekend, we went to the bar on Friday and then went to his place (thus the Amy Fisher comment) because the family was away for the weekend and will be away till the 4th. There he had to show me the place (I refused to look at their bedroom. I was not asked to look at the kids room, but had I, I would have refused for the same reasons. I have to give them, her and the kids, some respect.). We pulled out the sleeper couch and watch some t.v. till we both feel asleep. I was exhausted by the time we went to sleep shortly after 5 am, I had been up for 23 hours after only getting 5 hours of sleep the night before and 3 the night before that. We were going to eat breakfast in on Saturday, but there was no food in the house (his words not mine, but I didn't go searching either) so it was decided we'd go out. It took him hours to get ready, between laundry and cleaning up and getting ready. What I found a bit annoying is he seen that I was watching a movie, because really what else could I do while he was picking up and wouldn't let me help, he had the stereo on at the same time. I couldn't even hear the movie. I'm sure he would have turned it down had I asked but I didn't think I'd have to ask. Once he was ready we came by my place so I could shower and check on the pets and were off again. A quick stop at the bar, where we hardly ate because it was so hot outside, we went to the movies, a first for us. Then we stopped by my dad's for a beer with him and said we'd meet him up at the bar, which we never did. Then it was back to his house for what was suppose to be for a minute, but ended up being for the rest of the night. We watched a movie, ate some dinner, I got pissy cause I was asleep and got woke and then went back to sleep. This morning we woke up, laid around drinking coffee and finally got dressed and he dropped me off back at home while he went to finish those things he was suppose to do yesterday.
I'd love to go through the highlights, the first meal he cooked me, the "challenge" and my amazement that he won, but I am exhausted so I need to get my happy ass to bed! I'll go into some of the finer parts in the next few days!

-K

Current Music: 50 cents - Just a Little Bit

hmmm...
Today was suppose to be a 1 pm day... now I know him better then that, I know 1 pm means 2 pm... but NOW it's what nearly 3 pm. At 3 I'll call him, give him 30 minutes and then leave and move my later plans to earlier in the day. I don't like waiting on people, I find it truly unnerving. And I was fine with 2 because I know how he is, I've been dating him long enough how time translates in his head and I also know he didn't get to be till probably close to 7 am cause he didn't leave my house till 6 am, but don't tell me one thing and do another... don't have complete disregard for me and my feelings, it show complete disrespect for me!
On a different note, was listening to Poe yesterday and it struck me how much this song is all about us!

Trigger Happy Jack - Poe

He scares easily
It makes him so angry
At me
And his head it spins around
Just like the Exorcist and I
Find it ever so
Hard to resist his cries
But there's nothing more sadistic than an infant
Waving his pistol in my face
He wants me right down on my knees
Crumbling in disgrace
But he underestimates my mind
I know he's messing with my head
My only weakness is
I can't believe the guy could be entirely dead
Chorus:
Can't talk to a psycho like a normal human being
Can't talk to a psycho like a normal human being
Trigger Happy Jack
You're gonna blow
But I'm gonna get off
before you go
My Trigger Happy Jack is just a
drive by a go-go
And after awhile he calms down
And he looks at me like a prince
But I know I better bite the bullet
'Cause it's just another one of his
Jedi mind tricks
But this ain't no headtrip honey
This is a collision on the road
And you've got me feeling oh just like a roadkill
and you know deep down I know
Chorus
Why do you make me feel like this? (1-2-3-4)
Why do you gotta be such a dick? (1-2-3-4)
Why do you make me feeling like this? (1-2-3-4)
Why do you gotta be such a dick? (1-2-3-4)
Go-go
And I hate myself
Just enough to want him
But I hate him just enough to get off
But I understand him
Maybe I'm just crazy enough
To love him
Why not? (Why not?)
You can't to a psycho like a normal human being...

-k

I don't like weekends... They are 98% of the time shitty, with a small sprinkle of happiness. Last Friday rocked, this friday is pretty unremarkable. Seen him last night, went and watched the game. I hate sports, but I guess I'll have to get used to watching them... and he'll learn to love the O.C. We left the bar at half time so he could tie up some things at work and I headed home to wait for him. He did manage to come over as he said (another thing we've had problems with in the past, him saying he's going to show and then not doing it). We ended up napping in my bed. So days are about ass and others are about just being close and feeling safe in someone's arms.
As to today, we had suto plans, plans that are not going to happen because things are not going to go as we thought they would. In a way, it's kind of a good thing, cause we would have ended up spending too much money. As to the rest of the weekend... who knows. I'm going to hangout with my ex tomorrow to see how that goes and to start bringing things home from his house. As it stands, I'm hoping that he that shall remain nameless and I still get together on Sunday, but with it being fathers day, I don't know. See, it's all so very up in the air, he waiting to hear from his buddy, I'm waiting to hear from him and the ex is waiting to hear from me... so it's just a big waiting game at this time.
I mentioned the apartment applications last night and got accused of "woofing" at him. I was compelled to stand up and walk away. What the fuck? I have a bit of "what's going to happen" in me. I can't help but wonder if he's going to wait to long and add another month to his move out date. So anyway, I was fucking with him, like he does to me, and he snapped at me. I dropped it... I didn't want to argue with him when I hadn't seen him in a few days and knowing that the weekend was right around the corner. Today while I was talking to him he mentioned he was trying to finish the applications. Again, the waiting game, it's just the kind of person he is, it needs to be done his way and in his time. It drives me crazy since I'm such a control freak that has to plan everything. He is more then happy to let me plan things, but never really indicates that he's on board with me till after when he says "you have it planned out".
I am amazed we've had it three months already being we are so different in so many ways and yet at times so much the same.

-K

Nothing really to update on. Minutes turn to hours and hours to days. The applications are still not in. He's not that motivated as a person... yeah guess we are alike. Not to be a bitch, but he'd better do it soon if he want's to move out in the next 30-45 days like he professed every where we went. He's been depressed since Sunday, I have not been in a better place either. Two melancholy souls struggling to feel better... makes for miserable days and distance.
We went out for a beer last night and discussed things that do not matter like how will and won't eat veggies, how many shower gels I need in my shower at any given time, how want's what side of the bed. I wish I could help him with rent if/when I move in. Why do I insist on putting the if in there? I still plan to at this time... but so much to consider in the next 4-5 months. Like his kids, they need to spend time with their dad alone when he moves out before they meet me and THEN they can see me and my stuff in his place. I need to see what's it's like to date him without all the weirdness of the wife. What will it be like to be able to spend the night with him when I want? We don't even know how to just hang-out yet. Any time we are together now, for the most part, either in a room or at a bar. So it comes down to drinking or fucking. I want to go out, I want to go to the movies or hangout with my friends with him. I want to see if he can make plans further then 10 minutes away. I need to know if he's self absorbed or if it's just "circumstances" right now. Will we have a day off together? That's always been important to me in any relationship. If things were like this, he on one shift me on another, different days off, things would cost for a bit and then stop. I get bord when I don't get to see my mate, I get antsy and start looking for attention else where.
I asked him last night if I were to walk away tomorrow would he still move out. He made that puppy dog face when I asked. I had to reassure him that I wasn't walking away, I just wanted to make sure the reason he's moving out is not on account of me. He said he would still move out but his thinking would be a bit different. So part of the move is because of me. Is he going to recent me at some point for his moving up... for his leaving the wife? I don't want that. As much as he want's to take care of me, as much as he assures me that he can and will take care of me, can he really do that? I worry about him, I worry about thinking someone is going to "take care of me" and then be disappointed because they can't or worst I end up back where I am. I am so scared to let my walls down around him, I am frightened to put any faith into us, into this relationship...

-K

Interesting that even when he that shall remain nameless is not around it still causes drama in my life. My family knows I'm dating him, they do not know that he is currently completely married. In someways he's separated, but for the most part they are still very married (they still share a bed, still wear their wedding bands {though he doesn't around me}, still attend "family functions" together, etc.) The issue in my family is not the things I thought they would be, I thought the issues would have arose from the difference in age, the different in nationalities, but nope, the issue is he's got children, the issue is his job (they don't think he makes enough... he makes twice what I make and I make more then most of my friends). So I got my arse chewed from both my father and Grandmother yesterday. The one person that's supportive right now if my mother, the one person that's opinion did not matter to me. In the end, my father said "your a 26 year old woman, you'll take care of yourself and you'll learn." My Grandma's ending words where "it's not that I don't like him, I don't know him and in the past you've made bad decisions in who you date". Honestly, it makes me chuckle, because given what I know of my father's dating/marring life he has no room to talk. And as far as my Grandma, no one would be good enough, so I say "fuck them". But then again, if you ask Grams I defended all of them (don't you do that with someone you are dating, or is it just me?)

As for his life yesterday... don't sound like it was the greatest. She found the information on the apartments we looked at, she found my LJ entries that printed out for him, he don't think she read them, but who knows. And if she did then I guess she just confirmation on a few things. She said she's going to talk to their sons today. I don't think it is very fair for her to talk to them without his presents. But is fairness to her, he's had a two months now to say something to them. What he told me is that she's made of effort either. I think she thought it was going to all blow over and it did for a bit, but she is realizing that it's not going to. I would hope she wouldn't use the kids as a pawn or say "your dad doesn't love us anymore" like she could very well do. Those kids don't need to hear garbage like that, they are innocent victims in this.

Wow, so much more to say, but I have an appointment to get to. So I'll save it for next time, when I'm sure I'll know more...

-K

Yesterday was a good day with He that shall remain nameless. We went apartment shopping, found two we both like, looks like I'll land in Belleville or Ypsilanti. At this point it doesn't matter as long as it's with him... My gawd, I sound like a fucking fool...

That took up a bit of time, less then I thought, move then he thought. We then headed over to our place and started what turned into a marathon drinking experience. I have not been that drunk in a long time... ok maybe not that long, the one show was like a month ago. The beer was just going down to smooth in the hot, humid weather. He even admitted to having a buzz... fucking I wouldn't have been able to tell in my beer induced haze.

Then it was 90 miles an hour to the hotel. There is nothing like the feeling of going 90 on an express way on the back of a bike! I loved ever moment of that ride like I have on nothing else. It was amazing... I can't even explain it... but I can say I will now crave it!

The hotel, that we are regulars at (we are regulars anywhere we go anymore, I've been a regular at few places before and even fewer with a boy) gave us a different room. No biggie right, except we usually get the same room. Nope, not last night and holy fuck, did we not walk into the porn room, huge California king bed, mirror that took up the entire wall floor to ceiling behind the bed, mirrors on the ceiling. And they try to say the hotel is a "family" hotel! So what do you do in a porno room? You pull out the digital camera and take pictures... yeah if I had my way I'd delete them all, because I hate my body. But I won't because if we are going to start the "business" we are talking about starting, then I need to get used what I look like naked.

With all that said, yesterday was great. The more time I spend with him, the more I want to. It was a good feeling to have people look at us like a true couple, unlike our friends who know how it started or worst my friends who know how miserable he's made me at times. I feeling like things are finally starting to happen, like in 30-45 days things will be where they already are in our, his and my, heads. At this point right now, there is no reason for me not to move in with him in the fall. He want's to take care of me and as much as that frightens me, it makes me feel special. I've never been with anyone who could financial do that, that doesn't make those bad because they all supported me in so many other ways... it's just different... it's what I wanted as a little girl.

And, I can't help but believe that he really does love me... Oh for fuck sakes, I can't get this emotional right now, I'm gonna go work on the tan and think about yesterday and what I need to do now...

Current Music: I don't want your love - Duran Duran

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows I'm miserable now
I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
And heaven knows I'm miserable now
In my life
Why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die ?
Two lovers entwined pass me by
And heaven knows I'm miserable now
I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
And heaven knows I'm miserable now
In my life
Oh, why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die ?
What she asked of me at the end of the day
Caligula would have blushed
"You've been in the house too long" she said
And I (naturally) fled
In my life
Why do I smile
At people who I'd much rather kick in the eye ?
I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows I'm miserable now
"You've been in the house too long" she said
And I (naturally) fled
In my life
Why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die ?

A bit sad today... why do I let others effect my mood... why do I allow people into my life that hurt me over and over again. This is suppose to be the "honeymoon" phase, where no matter what your happy. I've never been with someone what can make me so happy and so miserable both at the same time. It's the extremes in life for me, I'm an extremist, I like my relationships bi-polar I guess. Maybe that's why we fit together so well, because I go to extremes and he drives me there, leads me along, his personal kitten lead on a string. I loath him, I love him, he takes everything from me emotionally, he is as neurotic as I am, he is as selfish as I am, he needs attention as much as I do and he keeps my always wondering. I know me, at some point it's going to be enough and I'll find the strength to walk away, part of me knows that's what I need to do, but I can't do it yet...

-K

Tried to update last night, but nudged the tower with my toe. Maybe it was a good thing, it wouldn't have been a pretty update. Was very disappointed last night and angry at how it was handled. I was promised, yes the P word was used, that it would be made up to me tonight.
...So it's tonight, and big surprise I'm sitting here alone, tired and sunburned. I did see him for a minute today, more literal, three minutes. I was at the pool and sent him a text letting him know I was topless. Amazing how even though he was busy, he managed to make it over to see if I was really topless. He has also called me several times today to "keep me in the loop" which is abnormal. However, he wanted to get together at 10... it's 11:30 at the moment. He did call at 10:01 to let me know he was going home for a minute and then "trying" to get back out, but he'd call either way. If I hear nothing within the hour I'm silencing my phone and going to bed. Now, I know he had things going on today and all week we knew we wouldn't see each other, BUT he said tonight we were definitely getting together, and that's why I'm restless. Don't promise and let me down, it's happened all too often.
Ok, I'm going back to the couch now to veg and get more annoyed... more anxious

-K

I did tonight what I never do, I reread all the entries here in their entirety. I know it's MY journal, I know it's here for ME to vent... but damn, I've been pretty harsh at times. I was so harsh because that's what I was feeling then... but looking back I didn't always comment on the good things. I've always been one to vent and write when I'm depressed, angry, anxious, etc. I've not been good at documenting my feelings and experiences when they are good, when I'm happy.
I've also realized by re-reading how far we've come. I still have my trepidations, my fears, my anxiety over the situation... but it's getting better. I feel a bit more secure then I did even a few weeks ago. Should I be getting comfortable? You never really know do you, but I realize I am. I can not give this "relationship" my everything if I constantly stand with my guard up. It's not fair to me, nor is it fair to he that shall remain nameless, if I only give part of myself to this. If I don't risk it all, if I don't give it my all, I can never say I gave everything, and if it does work I'll never be able to experience it to the fullest.
The best friend and I had dinner together tonight and of course he and this situation came up, it always does. I mentioned my fear of never being able to fully trust him, knowing his past and given how we started. That's where she, in her wisdom, stated "with those reasons why should he trust you?". The teenager in me wanted to scream "because I won't do that" but the damn adult in me realized what she was saying was true. Granted, when my relationships come to an end, I end them where as his is obviously over and he has yet to do the adult thing... and that's where the kids come up in it again. There is much I can ration and yet there is parts I can't because I've never had kids.
This wasn't suppose to be a downer update... and I don't think it is, but it may if I don't stop analyzing. Here's the thing, I once thought I was only jaded around him, but after rereading I realize I've been jaded. I am so frightened of being hurt again I've convinced myself at times without a shadow of a doubt that I was going/am going to be hurt that I wouldn't even let those guards down here. Has he hurt me, has he disappointed me? Yeah, he has... but he's also made me happier then I've been in a long time.
No walls of protection, no bull shit, I want this, I crave this. I need to experience what it's like to be with him without holding back. Can I do this, can I let go? I can try, I can try to not be so jaded, I can try not to talk about the aftermath before the first chapter is fully written. What's the worst that could happen? I could get hurt... wounds heal with time... and even as I say this I feel a bit reserved. I can tell you it comes from the other situation. I want to give it my all, but I don't feel I can because he can't. At the end of the night, it's not to me he physically comes home to, it maybe emotionally, but not physically. (I'm such a fucking hypocrite, spouting all that about the differences between physical and emotional cheating and I state something like that...) I guess because I'm scared to think, to believe, that it is me he comes home to emotionally every night... and yet I know it's not her he emotionally goes home to at night. Nothing like putting the brain on over load...
As much as I'd like to expound on it all... it will have to be another night. My promise, made to myself, I will express the better parts, the parts that me happy and fill me with life... more of what I experience and see with him and less on the "jaded" part of it all...

-K

Micro tours, camping, plans of our future together made today. Plans for events not that very far in the future, but far enough. I fall for him more and more each day and at times it frightens me. The more I fall for him the more it's going to hurt me. I don't want to be optimistic, but maybe he will talk to her, maybe all this will end soon.
...Maybe I am falling asleep at the keys and need to go to work.

-K

Yesterday was another good day... seams too many good days in a row. I am so content to just be near him, next to him. He makes me smile in so many ways, the way he looks at me, the silly things he does, when he sings the fucking theme song from Team America that I loath so much! He penetrates me, my soul, the fiber of my being in a way so few others have. I still have my doubts, curious if it's just an illusion I make larger then life in my own head that will go away in time... Time will only tell.
He told the wife tonight that they still needed to talk about the letter she wrote him. It's only been two weeks Saturday since she wrote it. I guess her response was "oh, I thought you were going to sweep it under the rug". Hmmm, guess he doesn't just do that to me. When will the talk happen? Fucked if I know. Hopefully sooner then later.
There is so much more I'd like to go into, but not tonight. The fact that he and I stayed up almost all night last night, and the night before, and Sunday night as well has caught up with me.

-K

Days like yesterday leave me feeling like we are a couple... or will be given enough time. It seams surreal looking back, like it was all a dream that I will wake from all to soon. Piece left behind, a ugly leather vest, a double sided switch blade, fragments of who he is still in my car, simple reminders that yes we are almost a couple. I should have said nothing when the hat was rested softly on my bedside, just taken it back. A simple piece that when left in my care promises me he won't go far. Personal items, I'd like to steal them all, pieces of him. Everyday something new, there's nothing like the feeling of new, of discovering someone sliver by sliver. How perfect it feels to stand by mute with his arm slug over my shoulder as he talks to old friends, how normal it feels to have his hand on my thigh as he drives. How perfect we fit together while laying together. His is a body I could sleep next to for sometime, a comfortable bed partner. He listens to me sleep, something I've always complained about, but find endearing. It's getting a bit more comfortable and it gives me hope. Hope that he will be able to except me as me and is not as disillusioned as I like to tell myself. Giving me hope that in every good day it will make it easier for him to end his issues. I sound like a hopeless fool today, please don't shatter my disillusion...

-K

For the most part, the last few days have been well, no emotional outbursts, no raging anger that makes me feel crazy, no tears, none of it. Where did the change, the calmness, come from? Acceptance that things are not going to change. Wisdom in knowing I will see him tomorrow. A feeling that I matter a bit more again. Or, it could be as simple as knowing he's out of town and there in and of it's self is reason enough to not hear from him. I expect to hear something today, of course I will there is possible plans for tonight and real plans for tomorrow, plus he called last night, despite where he was and the unlikelihood that he would. Even last night, where he said he may or may not come back into town last night, I was not as emotional as usual. Yes, I went into la-la land and yes I watched the door all night, but I was no where as anxious as I usual am. Maybe I'm getting used to him saying he may or may not show up somewhere. Maybe I'm learning, through experience how he is and I am learning to except it because it is not and will not be any other way.
Tomorrow was suppose to be D-day. I told myself I would end it tomorrow, I told everyone I was going to end it tomorrow. The knowledge that I am not going to is wide spread. Was it that I was going to use him, in my mind, as the scapegoat for leaving my other relationship? Once I realized that his situation was not going to end, I had to find the root of my personal reason for being unhappy in my relationship. I've found that, I've tried to explain it, but where it stands at the moment is the indecision of trying to end it without losing a good friend of mine. But alias, that's not what this journal is for...
So I will go on with my day, trying not to bring up he that shall remain nameless, to my friends and keep my thoughts, ideas and yes even day dreams to myself.
I spoke with a friend last night about this situation more then I ever have. Oh sure, I've talked about him, obsessed for hours at a time, but never to this person. However, he called at a moment that caught me off guard and I was very candid about it. I admitted to wanting a relationship with he shall remain nameless, but also knowing that in the end I am going to end up hurt. And even if the relationship is to continue indefinitely like this, I will have to eventually walk away hurt. Is is true, "once a cheater, always a cheater"? I don't agree, I've been a cheater on and off in my life, but I've also been faithful. I've been an emotional cheater as well as just a physical cheater. I could except a physical cheater more then an emotional. When it comes down to it, we are animals and the drive to procreate is in all of us. The emotional side, the promises for a future, the feeling of love, that's where cheating is disrespectful. Physical cheating is disrespectful,but not in the same way. I could stay with someone if that's all it was, physical. But when someone talks to another like they do or once did to me... that I can't except. I've gotten so off track... So with that, I shall leave it for now.

-K

It's morning now and I'm feeling a bit better, excited to hear what may or may not being going on today. I will forever be jaded and that part is telling me "he's going to have to work late" but the other side keeps screaming out "but he has to work at 10am, it's gonna be an early day"... So until I hear from him I won't know. Lord, give me the strength to not call him, but to wait. If he doesn't call by noon I'm making other plans because if I don't I'll be stupid, like last night and wait around to hear from him...

-K

Disappointed again...
Another fucking night of this... disappointment from him is beginning to feel all to comfortable. Why do I let him do this to me over and over again? It seams that with him I am either ecstatic, because I'm with him, depressed because nothing is moving with the home life or disappointed because he'll tell me one thing and do another. The fucking thing is, I was about to get into some good sleep when he called and told me he wanted to come by but when it actually came down to it, he didn't. He even fucking asked me if I would be disappointed and I told him that yes, I would be... but it didn't matter... it never feels that it does. He said yesterday at the bar that he don't want to hurt anyone and yet I feel so hurt at times. I have yet to decided what I'm going to do come Monday. I tell him I'm not going to leave... but deep down I don't know what to do. What would a relationship with him be like? Like this? My feelings being bruised because he is so wrapped up in what he wants that he can't be bothered with anyone else's? He would tell me I'm being unfair... but fuck it, who's journal is this? And I can't change how I am feeling right now.
At times like this, when I feel this way, when this fucking happens I loath him. I hate him with every fiber of my being, and I know I have no business being with him. And yet other times he can make me feel so happy, so beautiful, so special. He looks at me like a child looks at the tree on Christmas morning, full of wonder and awe... like there's magic. Who am I kidding in all of this? Am I playing a fool, prolonging the pain that I am fated to feel in the end? Is this a game to him? Is this intentional manipulation? Maybe not, but it's easier to feel that it is, that way if it were to happen I wouldn't be disappointed. It upsets him when I say such things... but this is my journal, I really don't feel I need to be bothered with how he would feel... yes, it's my turn to be selfish!
I feel that most of my life has been filled with promises, even if that word is not used, that never come to. I've tried to be optimistic, to believe the best in people and yet I've been disappointed over and over again. Is that what's going to happen yet again? Am I going to have to eventually walk away, hurt, losing another part of how I am... building walls around myself, around my love, guarding myself because I let yet another take advantage of me... let another kill part of all the love I have inside of me to share with others? He can tell me over and over again that something is going to happen, that things are going to change... and I want to believe him, but I'm so scared to. It comes back to the disappointment thing again.

....

What an emotional journey I am on with this one... I can't help but smirk despite the tears thinking about some our "moments", times when guards were down. Times I stood before him bare boned, hiding nothing... times when it seamed he did the same. I say that with doubt now simply because of the state I'm in at this time. I feel so torn right now, between what my gut tells me and what I want to think, to believe could happen. I am indeed a mess right now. Of course sad depressing songs of him doesn't help, but what can I say, I'm a masochist at times.
And I what tomorrow holds for me... I talk big game, like it's all about the sex... but it's not, it never has been. It's about just laying there in his arms and talking to him, it's about the unguarded moments. It's about being that close, so close that your inhaling each others' breath. Nothing, right now, makes me feel as happy, as complete as I do when I am just that close to him. I can't explain it... I can't explain the pleasure, the pain, the range of emotions I get because he's there... complicating my life further.
I think it's time for me to get back to the cd I'm making and obsess in my own little way.

-K

Current Music: Macy Gray - I try to say good bye

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